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No matter how hard I try, I can never be unhappy.

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I asked time what is the solution? It said, let me pass.

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I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

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Happiness left sadness to be with me. That’s why sadness is so sad.

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My attitude is based on how you treat me.

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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

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I got lost in thoughts. It was unfamiliar territory.

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I would like to slip into something more comfortable – like a coma.

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I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

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My conscience is clean — I have never used it.

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Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

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My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.

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I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell “WELCOME TO NARNIA”.

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Take my advice — I’m not using it.

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Sugar – Honey – Iced – Tea … Guess what it means.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

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I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I had to take his bike away.

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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.