Save paper, don’t do homework.”

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“Never steal. The government hates competition.”

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“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”

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“Life is too short to learn German.” – Oscar Wilde

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“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” –  Steven Wright

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“Why is the slowest traffic of the day called ‘rush hour’?”

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“I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!”

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Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.”

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“Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.”

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“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

– Steven Wright

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In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

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“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

– Steven Wright

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The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.”