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Does Sunday have to pass?
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A blind man walks into a bar … and a jukebox and chair
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Here is a secret: you can eat without letting us see your food on Instagram
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Who else needs a 6-month holiday two times in 365 days?
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You look like you lack a vitamin. Vitamin me
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Why is everywhere so bright? It is too ‘A.M’ for me
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It’s raining, and you need an ark? You’re in luck because I Noah guy
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Wanna drive haters crazy? Then smile.
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Love motivational speakers with their aspire to inspire to respire and expire nonsense
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Wanna hear a joke? Three participles walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says, ‘this is tense’.
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What did zero say to number eight? ‘wow, nice belt , man”
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I once had fun; it was horrible.
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I wish I were funny – I’d have better Instagram captions.
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5% of statistics are false – including this one
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My favorite F word is Friday. Guess my favorite.
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I definitely didn’t wake up like this.
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I Vodka the answer? Maybe not. But it’s definitely worth a shot.
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Of course I will keep your secrets – I wasn’t listening after all.
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So lazy that I’d have someone pick up my ‘laziness award’ for me
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Eating a clock is fun. But it is so time-consuming
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Mirror: You look so great today. Opens front camera – Eww
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Fall in love? Yeah, no I’d rather fall asleep
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Sometimes I’m pretty smart. Other times, I try leaving the car with my seatbelt on.
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Life update: Holding my life together with a stapler pin.
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As Drake said ” I’m here for a good time not a long time”
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Normalize energy-saving mode.
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Ever tried saying ‘Bubbles’ when angry? It’s impossible!
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There is no ‘we’ in ice-cream
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Am I late? So sorry. I was enjoying not being here so much
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Smile because nobody knows what is happening anymore
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I have a diet pyramid – and caffeine is the cornerstone
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I wish I’d be someone’s type, and not only when donating blood.
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My heart is saying yes, but my Dad is saying No.
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Who else suffers from Mondayticitis?
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You never know what you find till you clean the house
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Am I a handful? Good thing you’ve got two hands then.
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Without coffee in the morning, I feel Depresso
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Life may not be perfect, but my body is.
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Height: 5.0″. Attitude : 7″
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What is your name? Can I call you mine?
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Stay in your lane and magic
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Smile, wave ,and pretend that you know what you’re doing
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Confidence level : Bare-faced pictures with no filters
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Good food makes everything so much better.
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Be a flat in a room of stilettos.
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With plenty power comes jaw-dropping electricity charges.
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Wait, you only drink Diet Coke? Then you must be super healthy.
