1. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s caffeine
  2. Namaslay
  3. Humble with a hint of Kanye
  4. I look better on Instagram
  5. It was me. I let the dogs out.
  6. Just in case you forgot what I looked like
  7. The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza
  8. This must be the Monday-ist Thursday ever.
  9. I get ignored so much my name should be terms & conditions
  10. Today I will be as useless as the “g” in lasagna
  11. I just can’t adult right now
  12. Creepin’ it real
  13. That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes but you can’t do it
  14. Wearing all black today to mourn the loss of my motivation
  15. The human body is 90% water so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety
  16. Just burned 2000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap
  17. I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers
  18. I have the emotional stability of an Ikea table
  19. They say good things take time that’s why I’m always late
  20. You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
  21. The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest
  22. My middle finger salutes you
  23. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions
  24. I hope you step on a lego
  25. With great power comes a great electricity bill
  26. I came, I saw, and forgot what I was doing
  27. I wish everything was as easy as getting fat
  28. Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it
  29. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you
  30. I’m not stubborn my way is just better
  31. Shoutout to all the plants growing through concrete
  32. I think I’m allergic to mornings
  33. I came, I saw, it got awkward
  34. I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb
  35. You say 4 hour car ride, I say 4 hour concert featuring me
  36. Alexa, turn my feelings off
  37. Pretty rude that it’s not Friday but okay.
  38. Confidence level: Kanye West.
  39. Which essential oil is best to get people to stop talking to you?
  40. Just dropped my new single. It’s me. I’m single.
  41. No offence but wtf am I doing
  42. I only dress up for mirror selfies these days
  43. Team mysterious leg bruise
  44. Turns out adulting is just Googling how to do stuff
  45. Siri, remove my makeup
  46. My mood depends on how good my hair looks
  47. These eye bags are designer
  48. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition
  49. Where can I download motivation
  50. What (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck
  51. Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough
  52. Last night, I got asked out by not one, not two, but zero people
  53. I’m so lucky people can’t hear what I’m thinking
  54. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything
  55. I prefer my puns intended
  56. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode
  57. Hey, I still want to be invited but I’m not coming
  58. Stop petting my peeves
  59. There’s nothing I can’t do… Except reach the top shelf. I can’t do that.
  60. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  61. Life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
  62. Don’t let anyone treat you like tap water, you are Fiji water, okay?
  63. If it involves pasta or sunsets, count me in.
  64. Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam
  65. Later is the best time to do anything
  66. If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you
  67. I have big plans for the weekend. Update: I have no plans
  68. It’s nothing an episode of Friends can’t fix
  69. *sprays Febreze on your attitude*
  70. With great power comes a great electricity bill
  71. Do you ever want to cuddle your boyfriend and then realize you don’t have one?
  72. We all have a favourite eyebrow
  73. Sometimes I find a screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart
  74. Me: Sometimes I talk to myself. Me: Omg same!
  75. Yeah break ups suck, but have you ever left a to-go box at the restaurant?
  76. My soulmate is out there somewhere just pushing a pull door, I know it
  77. Home is where the water doesn’t taste weird
  78. Will the semester end, or will the semester end me? Stay tuned.
  79. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?
  80. I’m smiling… That alone should scare you
  81. You never know what you have… Until you clean your room
  82. I stopped fighting my inner demons… We’re on the same side now
  83. You can’t please everyone, you are not cake
  84. Whatever sprinkles your donuts
  85. Last name, Hungry. First name, Always.
  86. I love talking to myself, she gets me