- Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s caffeine
- Namaslay
- Humble with a hint of Kanye
- I look better on Instagram
- It was me. I let the dogs out.
- Just in case you forgot what I looked like
- The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza
- This must be the Monday-ist Thursday ever.
- I get ignored so much my name should be terms & conditions
- Today I will be as useless as the “g” in lasagna
- I just can’t adult right now
- Creepin’ it real
- That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes but you can’t do it
- Wearing all black today to mourn the loss of my motivation
- The human body is 90% water so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety
- Just burned 2000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap
- I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers
- I have the emotional stability of an Ikea table
- They say good things take time that’s why I’m always late
- You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
- The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest
- My middle finger salutes you
- Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions
- I hope you step on a lego
- With great power comes a great electricity bill
- I came, I saw, and forgot what I was doing
- I wish everything was as easy as getting fat
- Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it
- I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you
- I’m not stubborn my way is just better
- Shoutout to all the plants growing through concrete
- I think I’m allergic to mornings
- I came, I saw, it got awkward
- I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb
- You say 4 hour car ride, I say 4 hour concert featuring me
- Alexa, turn my feelings off
- Pretty rude that it’s not Friday but okay.
- Confidence level: Kanye West.
- Which essential oil is best to get people to stop talking to you?
- Just dropped my new single. It’s me. I’m single.
- No offence but wtf am I doing
- I only dress up for mirror selfies these days
- Team mysterious leg bruise
- Turns out adulting is just Googling how to do stuff
- Siri, remove my makeup
- My mood depends on how good my hair looks
- These eye bags are designer
- I’m not weird, I’m limited edition
- Where can I download motivation
- What (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck
- Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough
- Last night, I got asked out by not one, not two, but zero people
- I’m so lucky people can’t hear what I’m thinking
- Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything
- I prefer my puns intended
- I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode
- Hey, I still want to be invited but I’m not coming
- Stop petting my peeves
- There’s nothing I can’t do… Except reach the top shelf. I can’t do that.
- I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
- Life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
- Don’t let anyone treat you like tap water, you are Fiji water, okay?
- If it involves pasta or sunsets, count me in.
- Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam
- Later is the best time to do anything
- If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you
- I have big plans for the weekend. Update: I have no plans
- It’s nothing an episode of Friends can’t fix
- *sprays Febreze on your attitude*
- With great power comes a great electricity bill
- Do you ever want to cuddle your boyfriend and then realize you don’t have one?
- We all have a favourite eyebrow
- Sometimes I find a screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart
- Me: Sometimes I talk to myself. Me: Omg same!
- Yeah break ups suck, but have you ever left a to-go box at the restaurant?
- My soulmate is out there somewhere just pushing a pull door, I know it
- Home is where the water doesn’t taste weird
- Will the semester end, or will the semester end me? Stay tuned.
- If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?
- I’m smiling… That alone should scare you
- You never know what you have… Until you clean your room
- I stopped fighting my inner demons… We’re on the same side now
- You can’t please everyone, you are not cake
- Whatever sprinkles your donuts
- Last name, Hungry. First name, Always.
- I love talking to myself, she gets me
